I am no great expert on Haiku but I can tell you my thoughts on possible change if you don't mind let me get into how they come across to me first and I always comment as I think so hope that's ok ..
I like the first because you add colour so it gives over a nice vibe..colour adds to the story without you needing to say much as my mind has the ability to use them to make up a picture.
the second makes me think of secrets or some kind of illusion a mask perhaps to hide their true self but underneath is indeed a true beauty
the third makes me think of seeds and the gift they are and what they give to us..little treasures they are
for me though Haiku give as little as possible away and don't tend to use filler words or punctutation let me give you an example please
The silence! the voice of the cicada penetrates the rocks written by a master Haiku composer Basho
and here is a thought for one of yours :
green pistachio nuts pomegranate arils most precious gems
I hope you don't mind my long comment or the little tips that's just my personal opinion.. and you don't have to change it..
I hope you have a brilliant time on the site if you have any query in relation to anything here.Then please ask and I will do my best to assist you.
Thanks for welcome me at AllPoetry.com your comment is very helpful to me and I am no longer listing my ku's as haiku but tryku, that means to give a try to a new, different and very personal interpretation of traditional haiku!
Welcome to AllPoetry
ReplyDeleteI am no great expert on Haiku but I can tell you my thoughts on possible change if you don't mind let me get into how they come across to me first and I always comment as I think so hope that's ok ..
I like the first because you add colour so it gives over a nice vibe..colour adds to the story without you needing to say much as my mind has the ability to use them to make up a picture.
the second makes me think of secrets or some kind of illusion a mask perhaps to hide their true self but underneath is indeed a true beauty
the third makes me think of seeds and the gift they are and what they give to us..little treasures they are
for me though Haiku give as little as possible away and don't tend to use filler words or punctutation let me give you an example please
The silence!
the voice of the cicada
penetrates the rocks written by a master Haiku composer Basho
and here is a thought for one of yours :
green pistachio nuts
pomegranate arils
most precious gems
I hope you don't mind my long comment or the little tips that's just my personal opinion.. and you don't have to change it..
I hope you have a brilliant time on the site if you have any query in relation to anything here.Then please ask and I will do my best to assist you.
Sats
Greeter Coordinator
Thanks for welcome me at AllPoetry.com your comment is very helpful to me and I am no longer listing my ku's as haiku but tryku, that means to give a try to a new, different and very personal interpretation of traditional haiku!
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